As I discussed the possibility of a trip to M c d’s and the c i n e m a (spelling this word letter by letter) as treat for the twins with himself over Easter, our twosome knew something was afoot.
All of a sudden two heads pointed in our direction, ears cocked, eyes focused on our mouths as we spoke. When the look of puzzlement didn’t leave their faces, intent to figure out what Mammy and Daddy were discussing, it wasn’t long before we were being interrogated and practically held to hostage on the couch over what we could possibly be talking about. We just about got away with it that day and the surprise was actually a surprise which resulted in two very happy kids watching Trolls on the big screen for the first time.
Only a few weeks earlier I had been speaking to the other half about the impending c h o c o l a t e mountain after Easter arrived, confident in my foresight to spell the word to avoid little toddler twins ears hearing the holy grail word and going into meltdown when they didn’t get said chocolate. My jaw is still on its way back up from the floor when my little boy turned around excitedly asking where was the chocolate!
Excuse me my 2.5 year old toddler genius when did you learn how to spell?
Cast your mind back to the newborn blurriness. You can say absolutely anything in front of your kids, confident that as they stare back at you, that’s all they are doing, staring at you, their only concern being when you are going to whip open your blouse next.
As they grow a little bit bigger the guilt may set in a little, especially if you are having a heated discussion about those arseholes who don’t know how to drive in front of you. Slap a smile on your face and baby doesn’t realise Mammy may be road raging ever so slightly as the smile alters the tone in your voice.
The next step as they begin to respond to you more and requires you need to ramp it up a notch so you can curse the person who robbed the last twin trolley and or parent child parking space. This involves talking in that ickle wickle cutie baby voice you have perfected indoors whilst cooing to your baby.
Happy days! Babies think you are engaged in some happy conversation and Mammy gets to vent at the ignoramous who has taken said space/trolley and left you extremely wet from the rain as you walked all the way to the shop in the piddling rain , yet sweaty while you rush around the supermarket after lugging two carseats onto a buggy, loaded the baby bag and shopping bags, seeking out that smug person who took said space.
You continue to use this voice all the way home to a captivated audience in the back as you realise in your stressed out situation that you forgot the wipes and it’s cotton wool and water for nappy changes cause there’s no way in hell you are doing another supermarket trip again today, or ever again!
Once your kids master speech you need to up your speaking in code skills one hundred percent. We have all been there and nearly revel in the first time your darling utters a curse word, is there anything more adorable that a f word from a little mouth? First, second, third time equals cuteness, fourth time and you begin to realise something has to change.
You become masters at renaming everything and anything that could possibly lead to weakness, or tantrums if they don’t get whatever it is you are talking about. It also comes in handy when the parrot stage of toddlerhood descends and the next door neighbour gets to know what you really think about them straight out of the kids little mouths.
In my case you then find this renaming everything transcends into real life. A fellow twin mother and I have a fondness for “bread”. Some will wonder why “bread” brings us great comfort after a shitty day and long may that misunderstanding that we are carb obsessed continue rather than us revealing over our dependence on the red grape…
My latest challenge in code words is how to stop my twins from reprimanding me for saying bold words or how to invent a new way that gives me the freedom to occasionally have a slip of tongue. I am a serial over-user of the word shit, I don’t even know I am saying it half the time but there is nothing that makes you more aware of how bad this actually is than hearing “ Mammy that’s a bold word “ out of the words of someone a quarter of your size!
Somehow “sugar” just doesn’t cut it and given the strictness of my kids, FLUP is also deemed a bold word…
I feel deeply ashamed having real life curse jars giving out to me and that’s enough to stop me in my tracks momentarily at least anyway.
Looking ahead into the future as our two child geniuses continue to outsmart us I know it will become harder to be inventive when it comes to keeping conversations over the understandings of toddlers and beyond. Any advice from those who have been there and are further along in their learnings of how to outwit kids and keep little ears un-tuned would be most appreciated 🙂